THE UNOFFICIALFOOTBALLERSFAN ARCHIVE↗RSS timestamps belong to our exact archived audio capture. The publisher’s current playback may have different ads and timing. Machine transcripts can contain errors.
Listeners are praised for the courage required to share a fantasy show they initially hoard as secret sauce. The hosts note the difficulty of building a business nobody recommends, compare that structure to the FBI, and say outsiders assume fantasy podcasting is either unemployment or a cover story.
Dalvin Cook's release makes Mike officially uncontainable and inspires a horse-versus-straitjacket restraint plan. Mike says he has loved underground champion Alexander Mattison since entry into the league, ranks him far above the other hosts, and watches years of holding turn into a hockey-stick chart. Brooks has no shares, the ship is empty except for Mike, and the five-year third-round rookie pick is declared triumphant with Michael Turner as precedent. Pittman later inherits the vacated forever-wait slot.
The desk tries to compare Jordan Addison and Alexander Mattison, but 'Addison or Mattison' becomes 'add Addison or add Mattison' and finally the impossible statement that Mattison should be added behind Mattison before Addison is placed behind him.
A possible Miami committee creates the invented word scatterusky and uncertainty over whether it means scat back or a poop joke. The larger danger is rendered physically: Dalvin Cook, DeAndre Hopkins, and to a lesser degree Ezekiel Elliott are fantasy-football warheads waiting to drop onto a backfield or receiver room.
The 'check yourself before you wreck yourself' cue opens an ADP guessing game. The hosts estimate player draft slots before Brooks reveals the actual number, and they decide his voice creates more suspense than a host revealing it directly.
Brooksie's off-brand 'oh yeah' invokes the Kool-Aid trademark and the prospect of legal papers. The hosts decide the Kool-Aid Man is the ideal summons server because he arrives through brick walls, credit his indestructible pitcher, and land a tempered-glass joke that is confirmed to make the Owl laugh.
Travis Etienne looks shot out of a cannon with the ball, but contact repeatedly sends him flying backward five yards. The hosts describe his ragdoll physics as very high and remember that the visual produced the not-very-nice 'work pony' label earlier in his career.
While looking for a Michael Pittman drop, the soundboard instead plays 'Hey, everybody.' Accepted canon elsewhere identifies that phrase as Brooks's first studio words, but this episode does not identify the archived speaker and therefore leaves the voice unlabeled here; the hosts then name Pittman as Mattison's replacement in the forever-wait role on Mike's rosters.
An unlabeled desk guess puts Pittman at wide receiver 24, while Jason is explicitly credited with 6.03; Brooks reveals 6.01 and wide receiver 25. Jason is then credited by the direct applause prompt after the Dotson guess exactly calls 8.09 and wide receiver 37. An unidentified host—not specifically Jason—says doing this full time makes the desk kind of the best.
During the Michael Pittman segment, an unidentified host asks why his picture is on screen and whether the show is back in Pity City. Another unlabeled voice rejects that graphic and explicitly sends the picture back to Mike.
An unidentified host is called Sam Howell's sole supporter—first on the show, then perhaps west of the Mississippi, and finally west of Howell's mother's house. The same unidentified supporter insists he wants Howell both to win the job and to be good enough to deserve it rather than inherit it by default.
The hosts thank listeners brave enough to share a show they once treated as secret sauce, then joke that building a business nobody tells others about makes them look unemployed or like FBI spies using fantasy football as a cover. Dalvin Cook's release makes Mike so uncontainable that the produced opening treats his behavior as an exhibit and the desk shops for a restraint, briefly confusing a straitjacket with buying a horse; the transcript explicitly says Jason derailed the restraint discussion with the horse joke. The episode is a major Mike player-loyalty payoff: he celebrates Alexander Mattison as an underground champion after years of holding the stock, ranks him far above the other hosts, hears his portfolio described as finally forming a hockey stick, confirms through Brooks that he is the only person aboard the empty Mattison ship, and calls the five-year wait his triumphant best third-round rookie pick ever. Michael Turner is invoked as the ancient precedent, then Michael Pittman is assigned Mattison's vacated permanent-wait role later in the show. The names Addison and Mattison become a rapid tongue-twister during a question directly put to Jason about whom to add behind whom. Dalvin Cook's landing uncertainty creates scat-back versus poop ambiguity and turns Cook, DeAndre Hopkins, and Ezekiel Elliott into fantasy warheads trembling over backfields and receiver rooms. Brooks works throughout the episode: his quick question is threatened with the garbage, he answers as the Judge and Brooksie, reveals ADPs to improve suspense, and is pushed beyond his habitual 'oh yeah.' An Owl reaction is acknowledged during a tangent in which the Kool-Aid Man becomes the best legal-process server because he delivers a summons through brick walls; his glass body is judged strongly tempered. The Price Check ritual begins with the 'check yourself before you wreck yourself' cue and asks the hosts to guess player ADPs before Brooks reveals them. Travis Etienne's explosive speed and tendency to fly backward on contact revive the old 'work pony' label and high ragdoll physics. During the Pittman segment, an unidentified host asks why his picture has returned and whether they are back in Pity City before the graphic is sent to Mike. A wrong soundboard button then produces 'Hey, everybody'—a phrase established elsewhere in accepted canon as Brooks's first studio words, though this episode does not identify the archived voice—and Pittman replaces Mattison on Mike's forever-wait roster. Jason's explicit 6.03 Pittman slot lands near Brooks's 6.01 reveal; an unlabeled receiver-rank guess is also close. Jason then exactly calls Jahan Dotson at 8.09 and WR37 and is told to applaud himself, while an unidentified desk voice calls the full-time hosts kind of the best. Finally, an unidentified host is teased as perhaps the sole Sam Howell supporter west of Howell's mother's house and insists he wants Howell both to win the job and to be good.
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